Now that
EARS has it's snappy new bylaws in place, I think it's about
time that we mandate guidelines, and bylaws of safe conduct
for the use of perhaps the most important piece of outboard
equipment in any studio, namely the fridge. The following
standards were developed in accordance with Underwriter's
Labs, The Chicago Health Department, OSHA, and of course the
queen of all things good and proper, Martha Stewart. EARS
teams may perform surprise inspections of your fridge at any
time during the year under the guise of an "EARS Meeting"
Beware!
1. The Fridge:
The fridge itself should be a unit manufactured between 1954
and 1972. Preferably a bulbous, rounded off unit donated by
that idiot uncle on your mother's side. Modern units sporting
side by side doors, in-door ice and water dispensers, or frost
free operation are not to be used as this is not the image
EARS, nor the Chicago recording community is trying to convey.
Fridges left behind by previous tenants can be utilized providing
that the freezer door is missing. Additionally, the
door of said fridge shall be rusty and adorned with stickers
from long defunct audio equipment manufactures such as "Tapco",
"Arp", or "MXR". Optionally the fridge may be painted black.
The fridge should be cleaned once every leap year.
2. Placement
of Said Fridge: The
fridge shall be located in a remote corner of the studio facility,
preferably obstructed by blown speaker cabinets, old analog
client reels, and low hanging heat ducts. EARS does
not recommend the unit to be placed on it's side, nor even
on it's back.
3. Classification
of Refrigerated items:
Items placed in the fridge are subject to one of the following
three classifications.
A: Freebies.
These items are free for the taking and consumption of all
slackers who check out the fridge. They include: leftover
mayo, ketchup, and butter packets, stale fortune cookies,
little plastic cups of Parmigian cheese and hot peppers, and
coagulated globules of week-old pizza remnants
still stuck to the box. Also free are any beverage with less
than one (1) inch of liquid still in it's container. Any gelatinous
growths inside the crisper are not to be consumed!
B: One hour
protected.
Leftover client food shall be not be eaten by ravenous musicians
or studio personal until one (1) hour or one (1) basic track
has been recorded. The drummer shall be the first to eat someone
else's food (starting with little triangles of cold pizza)
thereby declaring open season on all client leftovers. If
the studio has vending machines, than any item in the fridge
is fare game immediately.
C: Beer:
Even the most
novice audio intern knows that putting beer in the studio
fridge is tantamount to simply throwing it out of an
open fifth story window!
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